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Who Thinks This Is Funny? Some people wanted to know …

Comment on Happy Cat Herder’s Day! by Mandy.

Who Thinks This Is Funny? Some people wanted to know what we do in the military all day so I am going to show you what we are not allowed to do.

Laxative is not to be liquified and injected into the LT’s jelly via small syringe.
Porno magazines are not the proper FM’s to show your PLT SGT/OC.
Cherry privates are not to check for soft spots in armor or get exhaust samples.
Rangers are not to be refered to as the guys in the funny black hats (tan hats now).
The LT is not “my bitch”.
CID is not to be refered to as “the crookedest motherfuckers in the division”.
Privates are not to be told about their MRE’s “chicken and rice huh, one time I found a beak in mine”.
Beef frankfurters are not “baby dicks or Iraqi fingers”.
When a SAS member says “I need a fag”, you are not to say “You sick bastard I thought you guys were real men!”
When waiting for everyone to turn sensitive items and be released from the unit after returning from the woods thou shall not say “Has anyone seen my (choose)bolt/bayonet/weapon/nods/pluggers/pyro?”
(Submitted by Greg Kinney)

Do not attempt to shave with fire.
Do not throw snowballs at helicopters- if you do, do not hit the windscreen.
Playing ‘Commander Pinball’ in the hatch of a 113 can only be won if you render him unconscious. He should not be aware of this rule.
The point of raking dirt in front of the HQ building is to teach you the error of your ways- not to create a zen rock garden.
(Submitted by Candace Karner)

Your rifle may not be set to stun.
(Submitted by Dan Zelman)

Olde English is not appropriate for any military form or document.
(Submitted by Mike Cabera)

At the grenade launcher range, do not yell “M-203, I choose you!”
(Submitted by Lester Nielson)

Do not challenge SERE grads to play hide-and-seek.
(Submitted by Dan Davis)

May not conduct live fire exercises at the general’s (unattended) jeep, even if it’s parked in an area clearly marked as “Live Fire Zone”.
Do not glue magnets to LT’s compass’s.
Must not get CO a subscription to gay porn.
Do not leave cat food under CO’s hammock.
(Submitted by Alex Bailleul)

Left-handed torque wrenches do not exist.
(Submitted by Abram Lister)

Toy guns during a heightened state of alert/national crisis tend to overexcite security personnel. Particularly when they are in the process of breaching your room.
“.50 caliber machineguns, M1A1 Abrams tanks, destroyers, Chinese hookers, and small guys named Bob to take care of our vehicles” cannot be purchased on the OPTAR. One must route a special request chit first.
All special request chits require a written clarification as to why the item is desired.
In order to ensure smooth transition of a special request chit, it is best to advice your chain of command verbally before you attempt to order a $47,000 tank.
Especially when you are a naval unit.
If you are going to take your military vehicle into the local herd of livestock, it is critical to do as much damage as is conceivable. Remember, less than 6 is your fault. More than 6 is the herders fault, and if there was a fence in the way it doesn’t mean jack shit to a military tribunal.
Screaming “Kill them all and let God sort them out” while executing 28 is acceptable. Most herders don’t speak English anyway.
Whenever the phrase “Is this crap flammable?” is heard, RUN. 9 for 10, the source of that phrase already has their zippo burning and is finding out.
Advising the gate guard that you left your thermonuclear warhead in your other backpack is never a good idea.
Apparently, dereliction of duty cannot only be interpreted by the one who’s derelicting their duty. Seems EVERYONE has an opinion they need to share when this happens. I mean, if you don’t KNOW what your duty is, how can you be derelict in it?
BAH/OHA can only be authorized for places of RESIDENCE. The address of the local bar is not valid for OHA/BAH purposes. Even if the owner will cut you a lease.
The greatest weapon we can inflict on the enemy is NOT dropping a schoolbus full of retarded children on them.
Combining blanks and cleaning rods in the M16A2 rifle is not an acceptable means of acquiring “meat for the tribe.” It should be noted it’s a bitch unpinning a squirrel from a tree and you NEVER get your cleaning rod back.
Scorpions should never be sources of gambling, regardless of how cool it is when you trap two in an M-60 ammo can and let them fight it out to the death UFC style.
Specifically related to the above, betting on anything but the little clear guy makes you by default either a LOSER or a MARINE.
Specifically related to the above, once you realize that the little clear guy is obviously the most deadly of the scorpions indigenous to the Middle East, carrying a “winner” around on your shoulder as a parrot is not a bright idea.
It is advisable to LEARN to drive a vehicle, before claiming to be able to do so. Particularly in the case of anything that can achieve flight.
Gonasyphaherpaloids is not a real disease.
(Submitted by Rlyoun)

Voices in your head do not constitute lawful orders.
Do not try to mind-meld with your 1SG.
Do not attempt to place subliminal messages on the power point slides.
Grenades are not kept in the company refrigerator and they do not spoil over time if not used after they come out of the container.
Never require the host nation personnel to refer to you as “sire”. And do not have the interpreter refer to you as “excellency”.
Indigeneous personnel are not required to kneel before you.
“Pax Americana” is not a proper slogan for any deployment OCONUS.
“Rape, kill, pillage, and burn” are not annexes to the OPORD.
Pillaging is not an operational phase.
(Submitted by Gensuke Farseer)

American soldiers do not “consume the flesh of their fallen enemies to gain their strength.”
(Submitted by J. Lidman)

Do not attempt to communicate with officers using only Madonna lyrics.
(Submitted by Scott Hintze)

Not allowed to use 27 packs of post it notes to label everything in the barracks so the General won’t have any questions during the inspection.
“I was cold” is a bad reason to be in the female barracks.
The cord on the blinds can not be used to rappel. (See above.)
Not allowed to use an e-tool on the golf course.
Cutting the uppers and lowers of CMSG rank doesn’t make you a Command Private Major.
Temporary insanity is not a good excuse for missing PT.
Do not throw up during PT, no mater how much Tequila was involved.
Do not use chemlights to mark a runway for the aliens.
(Submitted by Daniel Ingram)

Never tell a military pilot “There’s not enough room to fly under that!”, unless you want him to try.
Do not yell “Fire in the hole!” while your buddies are handling live ordinance, no matter how funny the look on their face.
Trading C-rats for cigarettes and beer is not “Building host-nations relations.”
One should not enter the words “Gross Stupidity” in a military flight/maintenance log. Same goes for “Pilot Malfunction”.
Telling paratroopers that “only fools jump out of perfectly good airplanes” just makes them mad. Explaining why only makes it worse.
(Submitted by Krista)

When ordering supplies, “buttload”, “assload”, “shitload”, “a little bit”, or “whatever you feel like giving me”, are not numbers.
Do not mix fake fangs and dress inspections.
Do not run up to refueling helicopters with a squeegee and a bucket, and ask for a dollar to wash their windows.
Do not say “Oops” when working with explosives, just to be funny.
It’s funny when Robin Williams speaks only in acronyms. It’s not when we do it.
(Submitted by Michael Nichols)

Do not put decaf in the 1SG’s coffee pot.
Halon fire suppression systems do not need “Live testing”.
Knocking down targets with snowballs on the 9mm range is not helping.
CS grenades should not be used to mark drop zones.
(Submitted by Kelle Luoma)

Do not transport lingerie in open containers.
The morgue is not for storing beer.
A coffin is not a footlocker.
If it’s shaped like a coffin, then it’s a coffin, dammit.
Not allowed to pole dance while on fire guard.
Do not make bikinis out of military supplies.

 
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